Brace yourself for a rollercoaster ride through the absurd, the outrageous, and the downright unbelievable in South African horse racing, where anything is possible.
From TCO2 scandals and grandstanding racing officials, to climate-conscious racehorses, naughty parties and novel fashion sponsorships for high-profile racing figures, nothing is off-limits in this wild year of racing escapades.
Sit back, grab your binoculars (or a tinfoil hat), and prepare to laugh your way through a calendar packed with surprises that may or may not actually happen!
A wacky start to the year (Pic – 4Racing)
JANUARY:
A leaked police file shows the arrest in a roadblock of National Horseracing Authority CEO, Vee Moodley, on New Year’s Eve. Moodley tested positive for TC02 at 39 mmol/L, over the prescribed TC02 limit.
He is granted parole, pleads not guilty on the grounds of victimisation and vows to increase the acceptable limit to 40 mmol/L. “I will level the playing fields,” says the red-faced NHA official.
The WSB Cape Met draws a huge crowd of fashionistas with its ‘Couture Unleashed’ theme. Presenter Vicky Minott is asked to set the tone with a colourful headpiece made of imported Chinese Long Beans and Buddha’s Hand.
In an unprecedented move, on-course host, Grant Knowles, tips a runner not trained by Brett and James Crawford. Race caller Alistair Cohen spots two scantily clad supermodels in the crowd, spends a minute too long adjusting his binoculars for optimum focus and forgets to call the Cape Flying Championship. Photographer Chase Liebenberg sings a rendition of Gé Korsten’s old hit song, “Liefling”, to select members of the media contingent.
A rice paddy mysteriously appears on the head of Gauteng-based racehorse owner, Mark Campbell. Asked for comment, Campbell says: “That Japanese doctor messed up my hair transplant!”
Jehan Malherbe, former Chief Of Staff for the Slack family, is appointed as the new Stud Manager at Mauritzfontein. He replaces Mike Sharkey, who moves to the administrative office in Malherbe’s place.
NHA CEO, Vee Moodley, introduces ‘Blowback’, a flatulence control syrup for horses, trainers, jockeys and officials – mandatory on race days. The syrup is administered via a syringe (squirted into horses’ mouths) and a spoonful each given by a duty nurse to humans. “Climate change is a serious problem and we know that excess wind passed by animals and humans can hurt the ozone layer,” Moodley comments.
The nurse arrives late at the first race meeting, which is delayed as a result.
The Highveld Autumn Feature Season is in full swing and trainer Mike de Kock raids with a few runners from De Kock Racing’s base at Summerveld.
Having sold his Johannesburg home, Mike books accommodation at Arnold Hyde’s B&B in the South of Johannesburg. Hyde suffers an anxiety attack and books himself into a mental patient facility near Mulbarton.
A man resembling the late Markus Jooste is spotted in a branch of Tekkie Town in Stellenbosch. Tekkie Town founder, Braam van Huyssteen, dismisses the sighting as a conspiracy theory.
Ahead of the KZN Feature Season, tension flares up between the two racing operators. Hollywoodbets announces “The Duel At Dawn” between 4Racing’s Charles Savage and Greg Bortz of Cape Racing. The bout is planned for 1 April on South Africa’s North/South divide near the town of Orania.
Both executives are allowed one weapon of choice and, in a stunning co-incidence, both pick Louis Vuitton manbags. Attorney Robert Bloomberg is appointed as referee. “We selected this unusual venue because it is right near the Divide, and everything in the town works,” comments Devin Heffer of Hollywoodbets.
Bloomberg is dismissed ahead of the “Duel At Dawn” due to his exorbitant fight fee. He is replaced by the National Regulator’s referee of choice, Paul O’Sullivan, who destroys credibility by planting a tracking device in Bortz’s G Wagon.
Former Phumelela CEO, John Stuart is appointed as the presiding judge for the bout. He is thrown off a SAFAIR flight, en route, for shouting at the drinks attendant and misses the scheduled start.
4Racing launches “Journo-Rassic Park” adjacent to the parade ring at Turffontein, in time for Champions Day. Themed, “Where Racing Hacks Go To Die”, JRP features live fossils Robert Garner, Davey Mollett, Etienne Louw, Jack Milner and Charl Pretorius on display.
The estimated collective age of these dinosaurs is estimated to be just below 1000 human years. “This is a part of our commitment to preserving racing’s rich history,” explains Colin Gordon, COO of 4Racing.
NHA CEO, Vee Moodley, announces that jockey Rachel Venniker will no longer claim 1,5kg, but that all male jockeys will henceforth be subjected to claiming 1,5kg. “Rachel’s riding them all to sleep, so this is a measure to level the playing fields,” says Moodley.
4Racing’s on-course presenter, Johnny Geroudis, is head-hunted by the Santarama group as a bouncer for the relaunch of Mini-Land in Wemmer Pan, north of Turffontein.
Several foals are born three months prematurely at stud farms and breeders are baffled. The phenomenon is attributed to ‘severe climate change’ and philanthropist-come-medical-doctor Bill Gates is flown in from the US to advise breeders on a new artificial feed developed for mares.
Gates and fellow-globalist, George Soros, buy all the farms in Robertson for research purposes.
Click here for the rest of the year…
